Cover Letters = B.S.

After applying to 28394729384 jobs, this is going to be my next cover letter bc let's face it...i give UP.

Kim [last name]
[my address]
NJ

December 3, 2009

SuperCoolGreat Marketing/Advertising Co.
111 W [number]th Street
New York, NY

Dear whoever is actually going to take the time to read this letter,

My name is Kim and I am DESPERATE for a job. I graduated in May, and I'm broke as joke. This job you have open sounds pretty EFFING sweet. Based on my killer resume, you can see that I'm probably not so qualified for this job - BUT - look at it this way: I really seriously truly want it SO MUCH more than anyone else that has applied - fo'realzzz. Let's be serious for a second here.. I'll do anything just for a simple entry-level salary (with basic benefits please). I don't need vacation. I don't need flex-spending. I don't need stock options. I don't need on-site daycare or even my own desk/cubicle. Just give me a spot on the floor with a pen, paper, telephone, whatever. I'll bring you coffee, I'll clean the bathroom, I'll pick up the entire department's lunches (ok maybe only like once or twice).

Honestly, If you just give me this job - I will be SO ridiculously amped - so incredibly, inexhaustibly excited - that I will be more productive than a college kid hopped up on adderol, coke(the drug), and DD iced coffees while finishing a term paper the hour before it's due. I swear. Not only that, but you can bet your ass I'm better than your boss's sister-in-law's cousin who is ugly, weird, and just graduated from some no-name college and is looking for that special connection in the family to hook them up with a job. I actually WANT this.

So before you chuck this in the cylindrical file(trash) under your desk(at least recycle) please please please please please please just consider me. Bring me in for an interview. Oh and please, no phone interviews. They are easily some of the most awkward, anxiety ridden, sweat inducing, awkward(emphasis on the awkward) experiences of my life. FACT: I'm a lot more interesting/hott/smart/amazing/entertaining/awesome in person than on paper..or over the phone.

So what are you waiting for? You need a person to fill the position. I need to put some money in the bank (living with the 'rents can only last so long before I turn clinically insane). This is quite obviously a win-win situation. So when can I start?

Looking forward to a bright and sun-shiny future with you and the company.


Much love,
Kim

Here's my digits: xxx-xxxx. Let's haaang out!

Vitamin Water

Yes, I am writing a blog venting about said beverage.
And yes, you'd be correct if you guessed what I have to say about it is negative.
After all, this is a blog where I choose to write my own outrageous opinions, so why wouldn't you expect this controversy?

Here is what I hate about Vitamin Water: everything.

It is NOT healthy.
It's NOT good for you.

Fact.
This may come as a shock to some of its dearest advocates, but honestly, take a look at the drink, and take the wool off of your eyes.
I know that it's sold in really pretty, bright colors (and coming from someone with an attention span of a goldfish, trust me, I understand its allure) and also says fancy things...but don't be fooled.

NUTRITION FACTS
Serving Size 8 fl oz; Servings per Container 2.5
Calories 50
Total Fat 0g
Sodium 0mg
Total Carbohydrate 13g
Total Sugar 13g
Protein 0g

So...you like to drink a full bottle throughout your day? Hmm. Okay. That's 125 extra calories per day, and 33 extra grams of both carbs and sugar. Believe it or not, that's more calories/sugar than your standard 12oz. coke (seriously, look it up). If you're one of those people that consider yourself "hydrated" and drink more than one per day, you'd have to adjust the numbers accordingly.

Here's my advice.
Plain Water + Multivitamin = same shit; better for you.

If you're one of those people that absolutely hate plain water, no fear! There's many products out now that I'm sure you know about which will help you flavor your water into something you'd actually like. Crystal Light is the biggie, even with filters like PUR adding in tastes now! AND. I even saw in Duane Reade the other day a water-flavoring packet thing by One-A-Day!
Now that's what I call good for you.

And don't bug me with the whole "Oh, but MaryEllen, they sell it now so it's only 10 calories!"
Doesn't anyone else think it's weird you have to drink..."Water Light" ?
Also, if you insist on buying them a lot, it's expensive.
So I shall save money and calories by using the delicious water on tap in my apartment.
You may choose to, but I'm going to choose not to support the stupidest water-idea ever made. I would seriously like to meet the person who marketed it and ask them did they honestly think they could fool the public forever by advertising it as "healthy".

I'd rather eat my calories than drink them, thank you.

Love always,
MaryEllen